Cock Jousting by Nasty Cliff

This is a guest post by NastyCliff

Hush falls over the crowd as the next event looks to be about to start.

Two men naked as the day they were born, both sporting impressive erections stand 20M apart.

A woman in a black and white chequered referee’ shirt stands in the centre of the runway.

She looks at one competitor checks he is ready and then glances towards the other.

She nods, almost to herself, takes a step backwards raises one arm in the air and shouts “ready.”

The two men dig their feet into the sand as if about to start a long distance run

“SET”

The men take in deep breathes and hold them, eyes unblinkingly focussed on each other.

“GO!”

The referee drops her arm in a swift chopping motion and the men sprint at each other, one lets out a blood curdling war cry.

As they run their Bovril smeared penis’ slap against their pounding thighs

They reach the 2M marks and thrust their arms back like sprinters reaching the finishing line but thrust their hips forward. The pose is ungainly but momentum is in control now

Two erect members heading towards each other on a collision course

Silence fills the arena, everyone present holds their breathe

A glancing blow, skin against skin, tender blood-filled members crash forcefully into pelvic bone with a sickening snap.

The sweat soaked bodies collide and bounce off each other, skidding off into the sand

One lays curled into a ball clutching at his bleeding crotch, the other (the victor) picks himself up indulges the crowd with a bout of furious windmilling.

Welcome to the world of Cock Jousting!

Cock jousting is as simple as it sounds, like the ancient medieval art of horse mounted jousting it is a test of strength, bravery and character.

No one really knows where the sport first originated, there are rumours it was a Native American Indian rites of passage or possibly a Marine Corps initiation others say it started as an off shoot of the highly secretive gay bare knuckle boxing scene.

However it came to be, it is growing in numbers and popularity and will hopefully be an Olympic sport in 2020.

It’s UK origins lay heavily with a near mythical Celebrity Circle, the first recorded battle was between Ted Rogers and an intoxicated Henry Kelly, this was in the days before the official divisions and an uncut Kelly was clearly out classed by what experts believe to be  a middle rated 7″ and cut Rogers.

Word soon went around about the new fad and it was Dale Winton (uncut 8″) who became the sports spokesperson and helped drive it forward towards the mainstream and wrote a lot of the rules and regulations as well as forming the CJC with George Harrison (9″ Cut) and Clive Sinclair (6″ but fat and uncut) Clive put most of his Spectrum fortune into the CJC and is considered the god father of Jousting

On its base level it is a very simple sport. Two naked and aroused men sprint at each other, the last one standing wins.

It has very low overheads a twenty metre long runway, normally sand sometimes dirt with the nominated and neutral referee standing at the central marked “kill zone” and two “launch points” marked two metre’ either side.

The rules are equally as simple

1. No Piercings or “split dicks”

This straight forward enough ,no body modifications are allowed for safety reasons. There is a rather blood thirsty “Extreme Jousting” league that is unregulated and unlicensed and deemed illegal in most of Europe, Asia and all of America

2. No Viagra

Again this is simple enough, like with most professional sports no performance enhancing drugs are allowed and random tests do take place.

Pornography is allowed and is down to individual preference.

“Fluffers” are a much debated and conscientious matter. The die hard’ view this on a par with Viagra and believe it should banned. The more liberal (and mostly younger) competitors view it as a well deserved perk

3. Arms must be behind your back at point of impact.

This is to stop so called “bumper carring” which deflects the point of impact. The Hip thrusting arms back stance is called the “banzai” or the “star” and can take months to perfect.

4. No Chaffing

In the epically contested 2009 10″+ cut (more commonly known as “the monster league”) championship match, German hopeful Jurgen Flanderson was disqualified for an elaborate Sequin based decorative style  he named “The Dragon” his opponent and eventual winner Wales’ Dai “the length” Jones  lodged a formal complaint claiming the Sequins were causing friction upon impact.

The match was abandoned* and the CJC ( Cock Jousting Committee)  called an emergency meeting.

*On the rematch Dai The Length destroyed Flanderson who has since retired from competition.

Following this meeting it was declared that all future contests must include either a Bovril or Marmite (for vegetarians) coated appendage to avoid such complications arising again.


After this things get a bit more complicated you have two main divisions cut and uncut (circumcised) this is to stop any foreskin jealousy boiling over into unnecessary blood shed.

After that we have separate length and/or girth divisions, separated like the boxing weights.

This is to create a balanced and fair fighting system.

One other hurdle the sport overcomes is a levelling of the height difference by having the shorted competitor wear platform running shoes.

They fight for honour, they fight for pride, these are the last of the true warriors. Prize money is limited to a token £250 with the ultimate prize being the much coveted championship belt. Strictly limited to one per division. Second place is first loser in this game.

Deemed a sexist and posturing sport by the women’s institute in 2009, baby steps are being made to form a women’s only league with the aid of “strap ons” which in turn will hopefully lead to a mixed series starting early in 2012.

In a world of hideously indebted football clubs and corruption rife amongst other sporting disciplines and with 300 schools signed up to a training programme worldwide Cock Jousting looks to on it’s way to becoming the world’s next big thing.

Remember where you heard about it first.

Author: @NastyCliff


About cuntychoppalops

Blunder cunt - An old school definition meaning one who takes a long time to accomplish an objective due to an easily distracted mind.
This entry was posted in Guest Post, Wrongness and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Cock Jousting by Nasty Cliff

  1. Ruth says:

    Fantastic. Cock jousting is a noble sport, and one which I for one am an avid follower. Let us hope that it now rises to a prominent position in the nation’s affections.

    What makes me laugh most about this post is the thought of Cunty rifling through the shelves at Tescos looking for the most phallic shaped loaf of bread on which to liberally slather her newly purchased Bovril, for the third photo.

  2. Cliffy, You are a legend. Shame about the banning of Fluffers, I was about to volunteer…….

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