Daughter 2: Can I watch Saw?
Daughter 2: Why not?
Me: Because you’re 10.
Daughter 2: So. People at school have watched it.
Me: I don’t care.
Daughter 2: But you let me watch 18s!
Me: You’ve watched one 18 and I fast-forward through the bad bits.
Daughter 2: No you don’t.
Me: Yes I do.
Daughter 2: But why can’t I watch Saw?
Me: Because it’s not suitable.
Daughter 2: And Piranha 3D was?
Me: That wasn’t suitable either, hence fast forwarding.
Daughter 2: So why can’t you let me watch Saw and fast forward.
Me: Saw is different from a film about biting fish.
Daughter 2: Can I watch Insidious or Human Centipede.
Daughter 2: But L*** at school has, so why can’t I? I know what they are about!
Me: What’s Human Centipede about then? *so frightened of reply*
Daughter 2: It’s about this man and these girls and their car gets broken and they go to his house and he sews their faces to each other’s bums.
Daughter 2: You let me watch I Know What You Did Last Summer and Final Destination.
Me: They are 15s. You should be grateful I let you watch those.
Daughter 2: J*** at school has watched Chucky.
Me: He’s a sociopath.
Daughter 2: Everyone in my class has watched Chucky.
Me: Is it any wonder why I am always at school complaining about bullying and behaviour?
Daughter 2: So why can’t I watch Saw?
Me: Because it’s for grown-ups. It’s not a scary film, it’s just horrible, with loads of blood and nasty bits.
Daughter 2: All the shark and crocodile films we watch have loads of blood in them.
Me: But this is different. It’s stressful.
Daughter 2: So is going to Asda and you make me do that.